In an effort to help all of us (including DH and I) navigate the "world" of adoption, I am posting some educational information here. Before we ever seriously considered adopting, we had no idea that many questions could be intrusive or offensive. I have learned a lot.
First, just like when I was 8 or 9 months pregnant, total strangers are sometimes really nosy. I remember thinking that I ought to have hung a bike flag from my belly. Maybe then, complete strangers would not have felt so inclined to want to rub it like a magic lamp.
Second, people have varying reactions to seeing a multi-cultural family. From all the reading I have done, complete strangers can get downright nasty or be incredibly supportive.
Third, and most important, is the child's point of view. An adoptive parent is the "real mom" or "real dad". No one classifies their children as "this is my c-section child, this is my child born from a natural delivery." Nobody asks how much the hospital bill was or if the child is "worth" what you paid. Imagine how the child might feel when these are asked in front of him or her. For more on real situations and real answers from adoptive parents, go to http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1758.
So, in short (ha ha!), I just wanted to share some things we have learned along the way. Questions from someone who truly cares or who wants to learn about adoption because they might, one day, choose to adopt, are very different from those that are asked just for the sake of knowing. KWIM?
Adoption Language
Positive Language Negative Language
Birthparent Real parent
Biological parent Natural parent
Birth child Own child
My child Adopted child; Own child
Born to unmarried parents Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights Give up
Make an adoption plan Give away
To parent To keep
Waiting child Adoptable child; available child
Biological or birthfather Real father
Making contact with Reunion
Parent Adoptive parent
Intercountry adoption Foreign adoption
Adoption triad Adoption triangle
Permission to sign a release Disclosure
Search Track down parents
Child placed for adoption An unwanted child
Court termination Child taken away
Child with special needs Handicapped child
Child from abroad Foreign child
I love the ultrasound pic with "China" in the middle. Too cute! I've been thinking about you and praying for you, so I thought I'd check the status of the adoption. Sounds like it's going great.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right about people and their rather offensive comments. When my parents adopted their children, I had to field questions like, "How did you turn out normal?" and my personal favorite, "Your adoptive brother looks so much like your family, was he a child of incest? Is that why he's handicapped?" It's hard to come back from a question like that, but you'll learn to be tough skinned, and just dismiss it as the ignorance of people. I know I sound like the ultimate pessimist, but I think that many people are openly rude, because they have jealousy issues. So, you could always take their rude comments as a compliment. :) Regardless, pray for them, and move on. Don't dwell on their negativity. Enjoy your new addition to your family. Aren't you glad that the Lord doesn't look at us like the way some people view adoption? It would be like a Messianic Jew claiming that he or she is the "real" child of the King and you are a counterfeit. The bottom line is that there is one race- the human race. The Lord God made us all, and He isn't a respector of persons, so who are we to be that way? Okay, I'm done with my rant now.
Love ya,
Amy
Even very well-meaning people can make hurtful and ignorant comments and questions. (One question that used to really bother me when I was pregnant with our second child after our first had died was "Is this your first?")
ReplyDeleteThanks for this list in an area that I don't know much about yet.